


If the House  isn't on Fire, then Love is Winning

by sweetNsimple



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Barry Allen & Iris West Friendship, Bisexual Barry Allen, Family Feels, Genderfluid Barry Allen, Genderfluid Character, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Leonard Snart is a Softie, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-11-08 15:01:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11084049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetNsimple/pseuds/sweetNsimple
Summary: When flowers first started showing up to the house, Barry was fifteen and perturbed.  He hadn’t known that guys could get flowers or that Joe could look so flustered.  Barry really wanted to meet the person behind the ginormous bouquets of roses.  He got a glimpse of a phone number that first time before Joe tore apart the calling card, cursing under his breath.Something about criminals?Barry was confused, and then a little heartbroken when the bouquet ended up in the fireplace.  He had thought it was nice.





	If the House  isn't on Fire, then Love is Winning

When flowers first started showing up to the house, Barry was fifteen and perturbed.  He hadn’t known that guys could get flowers or that Joe could look so flustered.  Barry really wanted to meet the person behind the ginormous bouquets of roses.  He got a glimpse of a phone number that first time before Joe tore apart the calling card, cursing under his breath.

Something about criminals?

Barry was confused, and then a little heartbroken when the bouquet ended up in the fireplace.  He had thought it was nice.  He fantasized about that for years to come – having someone give him flowers.  He decided that he would like that a lot.

Every other week or so, another bouquet showed up.  Barry became skilled at looking at the calling card before Joe threw it all away, treating it like contaminated garbage.  It was a different phone number each time, which was confusing.  How many admirers did Joe have?  Or… was it multiple people who were just grateful to Joe?  Joe helped people in all sorts of different situations. 

Barry tried to imagine being so happy for Joe helping him that he gave Joe flowers.  Memories of being torn away from his father surfaced and he ignored Joe for the rest of the day, angry and bitter. 

He wouldn’t give Joe flowers, but he didn’t mind that other people did. 

But then it got even more weird.  Barry remembered that it was hot – June?  July? – and a basket of strawberries showed up with the roses.  Barry and Iris were already munching on the fruit by the time Joe stumbled through the door, bags under his eyes.  He took one look at them at the table and lost it.

Cursing and snarling, he grabbed the calling card and punched the number into his phone.  It rang three times before a voice answered.  Barry and Irish were close enough to hear a voice purr, _“Why, Mr. West, I wasn’t sure if you would ever call.  It isn’t polite to leave an admirer in the dark for so long.”_

“Listen here, Snart,” Joe snapped, “If you _ever_ break into my house again, I will find you and I will _shoot you myself_ , you hear me?”

Joe paced away from them.  Barry looked to Iris, but she shook her head.  Neither of them could hear the other voice, but they sure heard Joe explode, “Is _everything_ flirting to you?!  Jesus Christ, you are a criminal!  I am a cop.  There is no future in this.”  His back went rigid as the voice said something.  “No, that is not what I meant at all.  I don’t care about the strawberries!  Will you just – Forget about the strawberries!”

Barry, realizing that maybe they should thank the person, piped up loudly enough to be heard, “Thank you for the strawberries!”  He was followed by Iris’s even louder, “Thank you, Snart!”

Joe turned such a look on them that they were almost afraid.  Almost, but Joe would never hurt them.  Even when Barry had his most violent temper tantrums and left bruises on Joe, Joe never did anything more than hug him and tell him he was loved.  They fell dutifully quiet.

“Leave my kids out of this, Snart.  No, you do not get to meet them!  Stay the fuck out of my house!” 

“Is…  Is he flirting?” Barry asked.

Iris shrugged, not concerned.  “Maybe?  I’ve never seen him flirt before.”

“I’ve never seen him so angry before.”

“I have,” Iris muttered.  She probably had too.  A boy in their class had asked her out and she had agreed to a date – her first date ever.  Joe had gone nuclear.  Barry had only heard about it afterward, but from what he understood, Joe had thought he had stopped that date in its tracks.

What he didn’t know was that Barry had covered for Iris while she went on her date anyway.  She had come back long before ten and grumbled about how some guys were pervs.  The boy had come to school limping the next day and with no victory story for his friends.

But that was beside the point.

“For the last time, Snart,” Joe growled.  “Leave. Me. Alone.”

He hung up and then did as he always did with the bouquet.  Barry watched with regret as it burned.

At least Joe let them keep the strawberries.

~::~

It was six months after the first bouquet of roses and Barry had a black eye and a split lip.  Iris had saved the day just in time for Barry to avoid bruises ribs, but it didn’t feel like a huge victory for him.  The kids at school were getting crueler somehow as they got older, calling Barry more inventive names that seemed to be supported by Iris’s continued mission to protect him.  He wasn’t proud enough to tell her that he could fight his own fights – because he was a sack of bones and skin and he had gotten into enough fights at this point to know that he couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried – but he was getting sick of the beatings getting worse because of it.  It was like it was open season on him or something.  They called him pansy, fag, cocksucker, brown-noser, killer, wuss, baby Barry, Iris’s little boy, twink, and every other word that came to mind.  Sometimes, they even called Iris baby mama because Barry was either an infant or gay as far as they were concerned.

And, like, what was wrong with liking guys?

“But what if they’re right, Iris?” He asked, trudging back home with her.  “What if I am a fag?”

“Even if you like guys,” Iris pointed out, “that doesn’t give them the right to call you bad names.  I’m black, but that doesn’t give them the right to call me the N-word.  If you’re gay, that doesn’t mean they have the right to call you the F-word.”

Barry glanced at her from under his lashes.  “What if I like boys and girls?”

Iris considered it.  “There is definitely a word for that.  We’ll look it up.”

Barry smiled, even though his face hurt a lot, and decided that he was probably that word.  They were almost sixteen, they should probably know what the word was, but it wasn’t really something he felt had come up at all yet.  It felt as if sexuality had been broken into three categories: Gay, straight, or lesbian.

There was probably more than that, now that he thought about it.  He wondered what else there was.

The internet was a powerful tool.  They had a family computer they could use.

Iris unlocked the front door while they tried to brainstorm what the word was.

“Both-sexual?” Iris suggested.

“male-female oriented?” Barry countered.

“That depends, what are you trying to define?” asked a third, unfamiliar voice.

A man was sitting in their living room, all but draped across the armchair.  He had one leg folded over the other, a mug in his hands.  He was dressed entirely in black and had blue eyes.

Iris and Barry froze. 

“Uh,” Barry said, intelligently.  “The word for when you like guys and girls?”  He glanced at Iris, but she looked just as lost.

“Who are you?” Iris asked.

“My name is Leonard,” he said.  “I have a strong interest in your father.”  He gestured to the bouquet of roses on the table.  “And the word you are looking for is ‘bisexual’.”

“Oh.”  Barry nodded.  “That makes sense.”

It all kind of did.  Barry sat down by the coffee table to do homework.

Iris was not as convinced.  She hung back, frowning at Leonard.  “Did you break in?”

“Why would you ask that?”

“Dad’s not here.”

“Well,” Leonard sipped at his drink.  “Would it be in my best interest to lie or to tell the truth?”

“It’s important to be honest,” Barry said with full conviction, “always, even if no one believes you.”

“I would expect you to say something like that.”  Leonard considered them.  “Alright, yes, I broke in.”

Iris made a dash for the phone in the kitchen.

Barry sat there, confused.  “Iris, what are you doing?”

“Calling dad!”

“Why?”

Iris peeked out of the kitchen to give him a wide-eyed look of horror.  “Didn’t you just hear him?  He broke in!  He’s the creep who keeps sending dad flowers.  Dad says he’s a criminal!”

“Well, yeah, but…”  Barry shrugged helplessly.  “It’s kind of sweet, though?  And he brings strawberries every time he breaks in.”

Iris shook her head at him.  “I cannot believe you, Bear.”

Barry shrugged helplessly again.  Iris looked conflicted for a long, tense moment, before she sighed and plopped down next to Barry.  “Move over, you’re hogging the table.”

Barry did so happily. 

Leonard let them do their homework uninterrupted for maybe fifteen minutes before he hummed and cocked his head to the side.  “Barry, what happened to your face?”

He ducked his head, swallowing thickly against the shame.  “It doesn’t matter.”

“It _does_ matter, Bear,” Iris argued, rolling her eyes.  She glared at Leonard.  “He gets bullied at school a lot.”

“Why is that, I wonder?” Leonard pondered.  “And why do you let them bully you?”

“Oh, I don’t know, because they’re bigger, stronger, and faster than me and there isn’t much I can do about it unless Iris is around to defend me?” Barry snapped, hurt that Leonard was making it sound like Barry _let it happen_.

“So Iris can take on your bullies, but you can’t?”

Iris paused in her algebra to give Leonard an icy look.  “I may be a girl, but I can kick some serious ass.”

“I know and I am very proud of you,” Leonard said sincerely, almost smugly.  “What gets me is that you can do what Barry can’t.  Doesn’t Joe give you the same self-defense lessons, Barry?”

“He does,” Barry mumbled.

“Barry’s really bad at ducking.  And hitting.  And kicking.”  Iris gave him an apologetic look.  “He’s just really bad at boxing.”

“There’s more than just boxing when it comes to self-defense.”  Leonard considered them.  “When you’re done with your homework, I’ll take you into the backyard and show you some other forms of self-defense.  We’ll play around with them until we find a form that suits you.”

Barry gaped at him.  “Really?”

“Really really.”

Barry shared an excited smile with Iris.  They finished their homework in record timing.

~::~

Leonard never told them not to tell Joe that he had come over, but Iris and Barry unanimously agreed not to let Joe know anyway.  He was getting a bit maniacal whenever he burned the bouquets, smiling at the flames like it brought him some sort of inner peace.  If they told him about Leonard coming over, he might just burn down the whole house. 

Besides, having Leonard come and visit was proving to be beneficial.  He knew a little bit about multiple forms of self-defense, most of which he practiced with them in the search for a form that Barry could jive with.

It was surprising, but exciting, to find that Barry was a fan of the defensively invulnerable art of Aikido.  Leonard spent the longest time with them that day, teaching them some of what he knew of the art.  He promised he would get in touch with a black belt that he knew for more lessons so that he could continue to teach them.

“It isn’t the same as having the black belt teach you, but your father would not be pleased to have… that sort of people hanging around.”

He said this nonchalantly.  From the ground.  Where Barry had put him.  This sack of skin and bones had just thrown a full-grown man on his back and they were all very proud.

“Aren’t you ‘that sort of people’?” Iris asked, raising an eyebrow at Leonard.  “Dad still calls you a criminal.”

“Yes, but I noticed that he kept one of my roses this time.  I am wearing him down.”

“For what purpose?” Iris crossed her arms.  “If you’re just playing with his heart, then we don’t want you around here.”

Even though Barry was actually a fan of Leonard, he nodded in agreement. 

“Dad has enough to deal with,” Iris added.

“Oh?  So no issue with having a criminal interested in dating your cop dad?”

“There’s good in you,” Barry said.  “That’s what matters.”

Leonard stared at them with a blank expression.  Finally, he levered himself back to his feet.  “Cute.”  Patting dirt off of his jeans, he addressed Barry without looking at him.  “When was the last time you got to talk to your dad?”

Barry instantly felt cold everywhere.  Leonard knew about…?  But, of course he did.  It wasn’t a secret.  Everyone at school knew.  Everyone at the precinct knew.  Sometimes, Barry thought that everyone in Central City knew.  He stared at his grass-stained pants.

“Dad doesn’t like him going to the prison,” Iris answered for him, his hero.

“Even to see his own father who was accused of a crime he didn’t commit?”

Barry’s head snapped back up.  “You _believe_ me?”

“Barry,” Leonard drawled, almost crooned.  “I’ve spent time in prison.  I’ve met the good doctor myself.  I don’t know about a ‘man in yellow’ who ‘moved in lightning’, but I know that that man isn’t capable of murder even now that he’s been in a jail cell for five years.  Especially his own wife and in front of his own son.  Sharing a meal with him, talking about you was one of his favorite pastimes.  He is… very proud of you.”

Sobbing, Barry launched himself at Leonard.  Yeah, he wasn’t acting like a tough sixteen-year old teenager right now, but someone _believed_ him.  Leonard had talked to his dad and knew that his dad couldn’t have done it.

Why couldn’t _Joe_ see that?  Joe and his dad had been best friends before that night; why was Joe so determined to see his dad as a criminal when an actual criminal could see the truth?

“Oh, Bear,” Iris whispered, and then she was in on it too, making a hug into a group hug.  Leonard was rigid, obviously uncomfortable, but the man still wrapped them both up in his arms like he actually knew how to hug upset teenagers.

“Snart.”

Leonard went loose, almost like he was pleased, even as Iris and Barry went as still as statues.

Joe was standing in the doorway to the backyard, something like homicidal rage on his face.  There was a gun in his hand.  Barry was pretty sure it was loaded.  “Get.  Away.  From my kids!”

“Dad, no!”  Iris threw out her arms and stood protectively in front of Leonard. 

“Wait, Joe, don’t!” Barry yelled at the same time, doing the same thing.

Joe looked on the verge of tears.  He pinned Leonard down with a heartbroken glare.  “Is this all part of your plan?  To turn my own kids against me?”

“To be fair, I didn’t plan for this exactly.”  Leonard nonchalantly put his hands in his pockets.  “You said that I wasn’t a family man.  So I thought I’d get to know the family.”

“Iris, Bear, you both okay?”

“Yeah, dad, everything’s okay,” Iris reassured him.  “Leonard’s been teaching us self-defense, actually.  Bear might have a chance against the bullies at school now.”

“You’ve been teaching my kids how to fight?”

“More importantly, I have been teaching them how to fight to win.  No different from what you have been teaching them, just with more style.”

Joe looked like he was in pain.  “Just – just get inside.  Get in the house, now, before my neighbors see you.”

“Ms. Jenkins thinks he’s cute,” Barry said to be a little shit, talking about their neighbor to the right who liked to ogle Leonard whenever he came outside.

“Ms. Jenkins thinks he’s _more_ than cute,” Iris added, smirking.

“He’s a criminal and he’s trespassing on my property,” Joe snapped.  “He’s a murderer and a thief!”  He looked right into Leonard’s eyes.  “You rob people and you hurt them.”

Leonard leered at Joe.  “Has anyone ever told you how adorable you are when you’re angry?”

Barry was still getting over the ‘murderer’ part, and Iris had faltered, looking conflicted yet again when it came to the man.

“I am a full-grown man, Snart, I am not adorable!”

“Isn’t he being cute?” Leonard asked Barry.  Barry shrugged, not sure what to do now.  “You’re being cute,” Leonard told Joe.  “Come on, kiddos.  Let’s go inside.  Joe seems to want to talk to us about something.”

“Maybe about the aneurism he’s about to have,” Iris whispered to Barry.

Joe did look like he was about to explode.

“Get. Inside. _Now_.”

“As you wish,” Leonard purred.  There was an innuendo in there somewhere, Barry thought.  Had to be, with the way Leonard leered at Joe.  Whatever it was, Iris got it long before Barry did and looked greatly disturbed.

~::~

Joe told them to go upstairs to their rooms.  He’d get to them later, his eyes had warned them.  Punishment was on the horizon.

“Three weeks of chores and no going outside?” Barry guessed, laying down on Iris’s bed with his head hanging off the edge. 

“More like three _years_ of chores and we never see the light of day again.”

“We’d be nineteen by then.  He can’t tell us what to do.  We’ll be in college.”

“Have you met him?  He’ll be telling us what to do even when we’re all good and dead of old age.”  Iris’s head was laying on his stomach, her feet up on her pillows. 

“Okay, true.”

They could hear Joe roaring in the kitchen, something clattering now and again.  Leonard’s voice was much more controlled, a barely there murmur of sound that they couldn’t make out.

“What do you think we’ll be in trouble for first?  Not telling Joe that Leonard’s been coming here for weeks or protecting Leonard from getting shot?”

“I think we’re in more trouble for not letting dad shoot him.”

There was another low murmur and then dead silence.

“Oh,” Iris said, lifting her head slightly.  “That’s scarier than him yelling.”

They held themselves in tense silence for what felt like hours.  Communication downstairs eventually continued, but it was so low that Barry and Iris couldn’t eavesdrop.

Eventually, the front door opened and shut.

“Are we going to die?” Barry asked in a whisper.

“I don’t think so,” Iris answered, sounding uncertain.

Footsteps started slowly coming up the stairs.

“Should we hide?” Barry asked with more panic.

“I don’t think so?”

There was the softest of knocks on Iris’s door.

“Are you _sure_?”

“Not really!” Iris whispered shrilly.

“Iris, bear…  Can I come in?”

With wide eyes, Iris gave an affirmative. 

When the door opened, a very tired, very guilty-looking Joe was revealed.  He came in on heavy feet and sat on the edge of Iris’s bed.

They both sat up, pushing against the head of the bed.  In silence, they agreed that they were nervous of this quiet, sad-looking Joe.

“Snart and I… talked about some things that maybe you both haven’t felt comfortable about telling me yet…”

Barry tensed.  “Did he tell you that I’m bisexual?!”

Joe looked floored.  “Uh, no…  No, that didn’t come up.  That didn’t come up at all.”

“Oh.”  Barry relaxed.  Realized what he had said.  Tensed up again.  “ _Oh_.”

Iris wrapped an arm protectively around his shoulders.

“That’s…  fine, Bear.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  If anything, that doesn’t surprise me at all.  There’s so much love in your heart, I’d…  Well, I won’t judge you for telling other people that before me.  I guess I haven’t seemed like the most open-minded adult in your life, now have I?”

Barry glanced at him, confused.

“Snart was telling me about your dad.  What it was like to live with him.  Maybe I don’t believe you about the guy in yellow, but…  I’m willing to reconsider your dad’s innocence.  It’s just…  You got to understand, Bear.  I never wanted to believe that my best friend was able to kill his wife.  I’ve known Henry for years and I never thought he was a man capable of that.  But I’ve been to a lot of crime scenes.  I’ve talked to a lot of families, just as happy as yours, and they said the same thing.  ‘That’s not the person I know’, they say.  They’re talking about the loving father, the doting brother, the bubbly sister, the caring mother – the person they never thought capable of a crime, committing a crime.  Not always murder, but sometimes it is.  Sometimes it’s abuse, sometimes it’s armed robbery, sometimes it’s drugs…  With all the proof pointing at Henry and you being so young, I had to trust what I knew, not what I wanted to believe.”

“But my dad didn’t do it,” Barry choked out, falling back on the oldest argument in history.

“And I…  I believe that.”  Joe swiped at some tears in his eyes.  “How ‘bout we go talk to him tomorrow after school, huh?”

“Really?” Barry asked.

“Really.”

“Wow,” Iris whispered.  “What did Leonard do to you.”

“He was a pain in my ass,” Joe sniped.  “Like always.”

“There’s definitely good in him,” Barry told Joe, sure of this now.  Leonard had in a half hour convinced Joe of something Barry had been talking about for five years.  Leonard was the best.

“Don’t forget, Bear, he’s a criminal.  All that I said downstairs?  It’s still true.  He has a rap sheet a hundred miles long, beginning before he was ever put in Juvie.  He’s killed, he’s stolen, he’s blackmailed, and he’s lied to get what he wants.”

“And now he wants you,” Iris pointed out.  “And we’re doing great.”

“Don’t try to convince me to date a criminal.  Think of what that would do to my career as a cop for a second.  I’d be fired!  Every case I have ever worked on would have to be reevaluated just to make sure that I didn’t go dark and plant evidence just to help Leonard.”

“Dad…”  Iris looked at her socks and then bravely at her father.  “Have you thought about life after the police force yet?”

“What?  Why on earth would I do that?  Sweetheart, I’m a cop to help others.  To make this city a safe place for the both of you.  I can’t just give that up because a criminal’s being a creep and stalking me.”

“I think you’re starting to like him,” Barry pointed out.  “You definitely could have shot him after you sent us up here, but you didn’t.”

“Hush, you.” 

“Dad, you’re not happy.”  Iris put her hand over her dad’s.  “You’re exhausted and you’re scared all of the time.”

“That’s because I see a lot of things that scare me, baby.”

“Dad, please.”  Iris threw her arms around him and held on tight.  “Just think about it?  What would you do if you weren’t a cop?”

“Hell, Iris, I don’t know.  I’ve been at this too long.  I can’t think of anything else I would rather be doing.”

“You could be a singer,” Barry pointed out.  “You have a great singing voice.”

“Bear’s right!”  Iris was ecstatic just thinking about it.  “Joe West, upcoming jazz artist.”

“I’m too old for that,” Joe argued, even though he looked like he would give anything to follow that dream for all of two seconds.  “Besides, I’m a good cop.”

“You’re a great cop,” Iris said, because she knew that Barry wasn’t ready to say it yet, even if Joe did believe that his dad was innocent now.  “But you could be a great singer who’s actually _happy_.”

Joe sighed and looked down and to the side. 

When he looked up, his expression was hard again.

“Don’t think you both aren’t in trouble.  A criminal’s been coming and going in my house for weeks and no one thought to tell me?!”

“Are we grounded?” Barry asked.

“Damn right you’re grounded!”

“Are we still going to go see my dad tomorrow?”

“…  Yeah.  Yeah, son, we’re still going to go see your dad tomorrow.”

~::~

The next time they had unexpected visitors, there were three of them.  One of them was Leonard.  They were all watching a homemade video of Joe singing to a baby Iris West on the television, Joe obviously in love with the tiny bundle of human being in his arms.  His voice always soothed Barry and Iris.

As soon as they stepped through the door, though, all attention was on them.

“You must be my nephew and niece-to-be,” the woman crooned, appraising them.  She looked like she was in her early twenties.

“Little Snarts,” the other man added.  He looked scary.

“Barry, Iris, this is my sister, Lisa and my friend, Mick.”  Leonard gestured to them.

“Does dad know that you brought people over?” Iris asked.  Leonard smirked.

“I’ve decided,” Lisa interrupted.  “We’re going out.  Leonard, Mick, you can hang out with Barry.  Iris and I are going shopping.”

“For what?” Iris asked.

Lisa hummed.  “Clothes, probably.  Makeup.  A lady’s day out, my dear.”

“I don’t need your charity,” Iris hissed.  Joe did the best he could, but he was paying for his own house and two kids all at once.  There was enough money to live comfortably, but not always enough for new clothes or school supplies.  Iris had some makeup that she horded, but it was the cheap brand stuff or handmeoffs from her friends.  It was more important to have tampons each month than a nice eyeshadow, she had told Barry.

“Oh, sweet girl,” Lisa purred.  “It isn’t charity.  You would be doing _me_ a huge favor.  I’m surrounded by macho men all day.  I could use a day to unwind and feel pretty.  The fact that it’s my treat is beside the point.  I don’t get to spoil others often.  I only have these two to spend money on and they’re always so grouchy about gifts.”

“You spend it well enough on yourself,” Leonard pointed out.

“True.  But I can learn to share the wealth.”

Irish looked sorely tempted.

Nervous, but curious, Barry asked, “Can I come too?”

Lisa zeroed in on him.  “Wouldn’t want you to get bored, sweetie.  When I say we will be looking at clothes and makeup, I mean that we will be spending a lot of time making sure that we look good.”

Barry blushed.  “Well, I was just thinking…”

“Barry likes to wear makeup,” Iris said, and, well, time for Barry to dig himself a hole and throw himself in it.  “He really likes the lipstick and eye makeup.”

“ _Does_ he?” Lisa asked.  She smiled at him.  “ _Do_ you?”

Barry searched her face for cruelty, for mocking.  She just looked delighted.  He looked at Leonard and Mick, but Leonard just looked like he was considering something while Mick rolled his eyes. 

“Uh, yeah, sometimes…”

He swallowed nervously. 

“That settles it, then,” Leonard decided.  “Lisa, enjoy your day with the kids.”  He turned back to the video.  “Mick and I have business to attend to.”

~::~

“Any reason why Jitterbugs just left a message saying they would like to interview me for a musician career at their restaurant?” Joe asked them two days later.

Irish was applying Barry’s makeup with the precision and skill that Lisa had taught her.  Joe didn’t even look surprised.

“Not a clue, dad,” Iris said, then told Barry to pucker up.  He did and she put on a shine of lip gloss.  “How does he look?”  Taking Barry’s face in her hand, she turned him toward Joe.

“You look great, Bear,” Joe said, tiredly but sincerely.  “You both know you’re still grounded and not going anywhere tonight, though, right?”

“Right,” they said simultaneously. 

“Definitely not,” Barry agreed.

“Wouldn’t think about it,” Iris swore.

Joe glared at them.  “Leonard’s taking you both somewhere, isn’t he?”

“What?” Barry said, not very convincingly.  “No way!”

“Smooth, Bear,” Iris muttered.

“I’m gonna kill that man,” Joe growled.

“Or you could date him,” Iris pointed out, handing her makeup over to Barry so that he could do her face. 

“His family’s pretty cool,” Barry said.  “Mick’s a bit scary-looking, but still pretty cool.”

“You both met _Mick_?”

“Were we not supposed to?” Barry asked, starting in with Iris’s foundation, not even bothering to look at Joe.

“Criminals are invading my house and you both seem perfectly okay with it!  What is happening?”

Finally, they both looked at Joe.

“Is the bouquet still on the table downstairs?” Iris asked.

“What?  Yes?” Joe shook his head.  “What’s that got to do with anything?”

“That’s what’s happening,” Barry pointed out.  “It’s great, isn’t it?”

“What’s great?  What’s happening?”

“You’re a smart man and a great investigator,” Iris flattered.  “You’ll figure it out.”

~::~

Despite himself, or perhaps at their insistence, Joe went to the interview.

He came back flabbergasted.

“They liked me.  They really liked me.”

Barry and Iris highfived.

Joe glared at them.  “That doesn’t mean I’m taking the job.  I do good work as a cop.”

But they all knew Joe wouldn’t have even gone to the interview if he wasn’t at least considering it.  Barry and Iris were pretty confident that Joe wouldn’t be a cop much longer.  Some of the anxiety and dread they carried in the pits of their stomachs seemed to loosen just a bit at the thought.  Maybe Joe would even be home for Christmas this year instead of off at a crime scene, chasing down a perp.  Maybe they wouldn’t have to wish for him to come back in one piece with all his blood inside his body.  Maybe this year, they’d get to watch Joe sing his heart out at an exclusive restaurant, happy and safe.

Later, they hugged Leonard.

~::~

As it turned out, Jitterbug was open on Christmas Eve and not Christmas.  Joe, glowing with something that looked like a return of hope and a faith in humanity, didn’t seem to mind knowing that he wasn’t going to get called in at the last possible second like the police station always had done.

His glow diminished a little when three criminals merrily admitted themselves into their house with a sackful of presents and armfuls of homemade dishes.  The smell of their good food mingled delightfully with the aroma of what was cooking in Joe’s kitchen.

Barry and Iris were having a great time, even as Joe scowled and told Leonard, Lisa and Mick that this was a family holiday and they weren’t invited.

“I’m wounded,” Leonard purred, glancing past Joe to the bouquet of roses taking up the center of the kitchen table.  The roses were beginning to wilt with age.  “I thought we were finally starting to get along.”

Joe crossed his arms over his chest.  “Well, you guessed wrong.”

“Mistletoe!” Lisa crooned, holding a sprig over their heads.  Joe had a moment to look up, realize what was happening, and get a wide-eyed look of panic on his face before Leonard swooped in and… just kissed the tip of his nose.

Barry huffed, disappointed.  Iris looked at him like he was being creepy.

“It’s been _months_ , Iris,” Barry pointed out, stressed.  “I think it’s pretty obvious that they like each other.”

“Shut your mouth,” Joe muttered, still wide-eyed.  Leonard was smug.  “It is not ‘pretty obvious’ because that’s not true at all!”

“Sorry, dad,” Iris said with a shrug.  “If Barry can tell, then everyone can tell.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Barry asked, confused.

“It means you don’t always notice when there’s _potential_ ,” Iris clarified.

“Potential for what?”  Barry started grinning.  “Murder?  Theft?  Science?”

“Don’t get too excited,” Lisa told him, throwing the sprig toward the Christmas tree and plopping down by them.  “Honestly, I think you both have been spending too much time around Lenny.  You’re starting to make a girl feel left out of all of the fun.  Luckily…”  She smiled beautifully as she pulled two gifts from the sack, holding them out to Barry and Iris.  “There’s a solution to that.”

They were somewhat heavy, box-shaped, and right under their names on the tags, it said to not shake them.

“Kittens?” Iris guessed.

“No pets!” Joe shouted, retreating to the kitchen with Leonard hot on his heels.  “Get out of my kitchen, boy!”

“It makes me feel a certain way when you call me ‘boy,” Leonard could be heard saying.  “Especially since you’re only four years older than me.”

“You are a man-child,” Joe snapped.  “Get away from the oven before you burn yourself.  Don’t think I don’t know Mick cooked everything, all you’ve ever done is burn toast and scorch water.”

“I make excellent birthday cakes,” Leonard pointed out, even as Barry and Iris were carefully unwrapping the presents.

“Well, it’s Christmas.  We’re not celebrating anyone’s birthday today, now are we?”

Iris stopped breathing first, but only by two seconds.

They had each gotten a SHANY all-in-one makeup kit with a new makeup brush set. 

“Let’s go try them out, shall we?” Lisa said, grinning almost maniacally.

~::~

Christmas dinner was interesting.  Not bad, actually really fun, and probably the best Christmas Barry had had since before the man in yellow. 

Joe was trying to look like he didn’t agree with having criminals eating food in his house, but even he wasn’t able to stay humbug all throughout the ham and turkey.  He was smiling and laughing by the end of the first hour, begging for Mick’s recipes before another ten minutes passed, and then just watching them quietly afterward.  Like he was really happy where he was.

Eventually, they all had to help clean up.  Lisa disappeared without a trace and Mick grumbled the whole time he was doing dishes, but the house started to look like a house again instead of like the elves from the North Pole had had a frat party there. 

Barry and Iris were almost asleep on each on the couch – looking, in Barry’s opinion, badass with their faces done up like they were ready to take on a fashion show and shame all the other models – but not asleep enough to miss Joe’s hesitant, “And, Snart… thanks.  You’ve been… real good to my family.”

They looked over just in time to see Joe kiss Leonard on the lips.

Joe then, of course, ruined the magic of the moment by slamming the door shut in the other man’s face, scowling. 

“I saw daddy kissing Santa Claus,” Iris teased.

“I think I saw him break Santa Claus’s nose with the door,” Barry added, grimacing.

~::~

More than two years later since the first bouquet arrived, Joe approached them in a nice suit, looking awkward and in pain.

“I’m going on a date tonight…”

Iris and Barry both snapped their heads up to look at him.

“Are you seriously going to cheat on Lenny?” Barry asked, shocked and hurt.

“Dad, he’s basically our second father!” Iris hissed, upset.

“Our third father!” Barry amended.  Iris looked at him curiously.  “Don’t forget my dad.”  Iris took this into consideration and went along with it.

Joe _definitely_ looked uncomfortable now.  “That’s the thing, uh.  The date is… with Leonard.  With Len.”  Joe scowled, like maybe the idea was not settling well for his stomach.

“Don’t look too excited about it,” Iris muttered.

“Wow, do you think he’s going to kill you or something?” Barry asked.  “Because you’re acting like you think he’s going to kill you or something.”

“It’s not that, he’s not going to do me any harm,” Joe said, and it was obvious that he really did believe that.  He and Leonard had come a long way.  “But, kids…  I haven’t been on a date in, God, _years_.”

“Are you…  Are you afraid that you’re going to mess this up?” Iris asked, starting to smile.

“I mean, you pulled a gun on him at one point,” Barry reminded him.  “If anything would have messed this up, it probably would have been that.”

“You see, kids…”  Joe took a moment to sit down.  “Some people who want to date you, just want to date you because they think you’re a challenge.  Once you’re not a challenge anymore, they lose interest and move on.  It happens.”

“You think that… Lenny’s only interested… because you _weren’t_ interested?  And now that you are interested, he’s not going to be interested?” Barry tried to clarify.

“And you not dating for a long time is going to make it worse?” Iris added.  “Grow up, dad, take the risk.  You were a cop, you tackled full grown men holding loaded guns.  You like Lenny, Lenny likes you, and everything else doesn’t matter right now.  It’s just you two, going out, having some fun, and figuring out what a relationship would be like if you didn’t try to glare him out of existence every time he came to the house.”

Barry and Joe both stared at her for a long moment in perturbed silence.

“Alright, you’re spending too much time with Lisa,” Joe decided.

“By the way, Lise is coming over tonight.  We’re going to dress up and go to a nice restaurant,” Iris informed Joe.  Joe looked to Barry for confirmation, which was given with a nod.

“I’m going too,” Barry said, smiling nervously.  “Full face on.”

He was a mixture of nauseous and excited, but definitely ready.

Unlike Joe, who seemed to want to run back upstairs and hide under his bed.

Before he could make up his mind, there was a knock at the front door.

“Wonder who that could be,” Iris said, going to open it.

They were all shocked to see Leonard on the other side.

“You know how to knock?” Joe asked.

“When it’s appropriate,” the other man said with a careless shrug.  He studied Joe with something very much like pleasure.  “Ready to go?”

“No,” Joe said.

Iris and Barry pushed him toward Leonard.

“Yes, he is,” Iris corrected for him.  “He’s just being a big baby.”

“He hasn’t done this for awhile,” Barry defended.  “Like, years.”

“ _Traitors_ ,” Joe hissed.  But it was too late for him to retreat now.  Leonard had a hand in his and was pulling him steadily out of the house.

“Have him back by midnight,” Iris told Leonard.  “Or later.  It doesn’t really matter.”

“Iris!” Joe yelled, scandalized.

“Have a beautiful time!” Barry said with a wave.  “Stay safe!”

“Wear condoms!” Iris added, then swiftly shut the door on Joe’s expression of horror.

“Do they have to wear condoms?” Barry asked.  “They’re both guys, it’s not like they’re going to get pregnant.”

“Barry, Barry, Barry…”  Iris shook her head regretfully.  “Let me tell you about all the reasons why you have to wear condoms.”

Barry was brick red by the end of the discussion, but was luckily saved from the ‘And don’t forget about what lives in your partner’s mouth’ part of the horror story by Lisa arriving.

Barry was a seventeen-year old teenager.  He didn’t need the sex talk.

God, he hoped the sex talk burned in flames.

~::~

Barry and Iris stayed up that night, just so that they could have the chance to do the ‘judgmental parents waiting up for naughty kid to come home late’ pose.  They had turned the couch toward the door with a lamp on Iris’s side, ready to light up the second the door closed behind Joe.

They waited…

A really…

Long…

Time…

They were fading fast around two in the morning. 

“Maybe I should have been serious when I said to have him back by midnight,” Iris mumbled around a yawn.

Barry agreed wordlessly, eyes falling shut again. 

Finally, there was the sound of a car pulling up.  Suddenly awake and alert, Barry and Iris waited for their moment.

Footsteps up the walkway.  Iris’s hand found the switch for the lamp.

Keys in the door.  They schooled their expressions into total seriousness.

The door swung open, the light turned on and –

“Wow,” Barry croaked after a long minute.  “Um.  Well.  This is awkward.”

Leonard had both arms wrapped around Joe’s waist, mouth on Joe’s neck, and looked like he was pressed flush to Joe’s backside.  The nice suit Joe had worn out was wrinkled and disarrayed.  His expression was horrified.

“Did you wear condoms?” Iris asked, finding her voice.

A weird, high-pitched noise came out of Joe.  Barry imagined that it was the sound of horror mixed with two parts panic and a large dose of embarrassment.

“Yes,” Leonard answered, because he had no shame.  “If anyone ever tells you that they don’t want to wear condoms for whatever reason, don’t have sex with them.  Understood?”

Barry nodded slowly.  Iris rolled her eyes.  “I already knew that.”

“She already knew – ”  Joe shook his head, traumatized.  “You know what?  The mood’s gone.  I’m going to bed.”

“Good night, Joe,” Barry said.

“Good night, dad,” Iris parroted.

“Good night, Lenny,” they said together.

“No, Snart, you go to your own home!”

Leonard, hand tucked into Joe’s back pocket, just leered at the other man.  “But, officer, I may be intoxicated.  It wouldn’t be safe for me to drive in my condition.”

“You rotten son of a b-”  Joe huffed.  “Fine!  _Fine_.  But no funny business!”

“But, Mr. Allen,” Leonard purred.  “I’m a comedian.”

“You’re a criminal is what you are,” Joe muttered, leading Leonard up the stairs.  He stopped to glower at them.  “And put the couch back!  Can’t even believe this…”

“Good night, kiddos, see you in the morning,” Leonard said, waving at them.

“Don’t make too much noise,” Iris warned.

“Don’t make _any_ noise,” Barry begged.

He didn’t need to think about what they got up to in the bedroom.

~::~

When Barry told Joe that he wanted to be a CSI so that he could help clear his father’s name, Joe reluctantly supported him.  He didn’t want the kid he had raised as his own going into the dangerous business of law enforcement, even if most of his work would be confined to a lab.  But he understood his reasoning and he talked to Henry at Iron Heights about it.  It wasn’t great, but he wanted Barry to be happy.  He was, however, annoyed that he had left the police force just for his son to go into it.  He tried to bring up the whole, ‘We eat dinner with criminals, how do you think being in law enforcement is going to work out’ argument that they had used on him years ago, but it just wasn’t as effective.  Joe eventually conceded.

When Iris said she wanted to become a cop, Joe lost his shit.

Which led to Iris calling Leonard.

Which led to the situation Barry walked in on.  He just innocently opened the front door to his house and there they were, arguing in the living room.

“You’re being sexist, sweetheart,” Leonard told Joe.  “You can accept that our son wants to join law enforcement, but not our daughter?  Are you really going to ignore her existence until she gives up on her dreams and fits inside a safer mold?  That’s hypocritical of you and damaging to your relationship with her.  Even if she gives up on being a cop, you will always be the parent who made her choose between her father’s love and doing what she wants to do.”

“She doesn’t have to do _that_!  This isn’t like with Barry where she can sit in a lab and be safe!”

“But Barry won’t be safe all the time as a CSI.  More often than a cop in the field, but not impenetrable.”

“I just want my baby girl to be safe.”

“But Barry is expandable?”

“Of course he’s not!  But he’s – he’s”

“A boy?  He can handle himself?”

“No!  No!  That’s not what I said.”

“Then what is it, Joe?  Why does Barry have your blessings but not your daughter?”

“I’m scared, Len,” Joe whispered.  “Barry’s a strong kid who’s going to do great things, but she’s…  She’s so much like me.  Too strong-headed, too opinionated.  She’ll take the precinct by storm and won’t back down an inch.  She’ll fight tooth and nail for what she believes in and, one day…  One day, she’s going to fight too hard against the wrong enemy and she’s not going to come home.”

There was a considering silence.

“She could get hit by a car on her way home today.”

“Len, don’t –”

“She could get kidnapped, tortured, raped, shot, stabbed – ”

“ _Snart_ – ”

“And her last memory will be of you, not telling her that you love her as she left to go to work today because you’re upset that she’s more like you than you want her to be.  She had the heart to say it.  You’re at each other’s throats and she still stopped to say that she loved you.  And you said nothing.”

“Get the Hell out of my house!”

“Call her.  Tell her you love her.”

“They’re not your damn kids, Snart, don’t tell me what to do.”

In the dead halt that followed, Barry whispered, “Ouch.”

Leonard’s face was closed off.  Even Joe seemed to know that he had gone too far.

“Not my damn kids, sweetheart?” Leonard purred.  “On the contrary.  They are _our_ damn kids.  Iris called me to talk to you because you’re not going to listen to anyone else right now, are you?  If even Barry tried to defend her, you’d be angry at him.  Probably till the day you died, wouldn’t you?”

“Barry wouldn’t agree to – ”

“I would, though.”

Joe and Leonard both turned their eyes on him.  He was still by the door.  “I want…  I want Iris to be happy.  Someday, I think she could even make chief.”

“Aw, Barry, you don’t actually believe that,” Joe tried to say.  But Barry’s face was set and grim.  “Shit, you actually do.”  He rubbed a hand down his face.  Rubbed again.  Fell into the couch and held his face in both hands.

Barry kind of thought that maybe he was… crying?  He froze, confused and unsure, but Leonard was already in motion. 

Leonard pulled the other man into his arms and kissed his brow.  “Go upstairs and do your homework, Barry.  You have work tonight, don’t be late.”

“Yes, Lenny,” Barry whispered, confused and wanting to do something more.

He settled for giving Joe a brief hug.  “I love you,” he said.

Joe’s breath hitched.  “Love you too, Bear.  I love you both more than my own life.”

~::~

Graduating from high school was embarrassing when Joe kept glaring at the three people around him who looked totally normal and not at all like disguised criminals on a high school lawn. 

But it was great too.  Joe tried to applaud the loudest when they walked across the stage, but Mick had him beat both times.

~::~

The group photo was probably the best.  Iris and Barry were in front, diplomas in hand, while Lisa and Mick were on either side of them.  Mick looked a little wet in the eyes, but scowled whenever they tried to draw attention to it.  Lisa was dazzling in her happiness.

Joe and Leonard were directly behind them and Leonard had swept Joe into a kiss.  One that Joe looked very surprised about. 

Barry kept it framed by his bed.

“You ready to go see the particle accelerator?” Leonard asked, looking at his phone as he entered Barry’s bedroom.  “Iris is waiting.”

Barry grinned.  “Definitely!”

 

**Author's Note:**

> It's interesting that I ship Cisco Ramon with Harrison Wells, who is played a man who is 53 years old, and Barry Allen with Leonard Snart, who is played by a man who 44 years old, but never once gave a thought to Joe West, who is played by a man who is 48 years old. And then I thought it would be interesting to put Leonard in a dad position, just because I think that would be hilarious and also because Leonard probably wouldn't let doctors touch his kids unless he knew for damn sure they were the best in their field.


End file.
